Sunday, September 5, 2010

All Fired Up

For months now, I’ve been lusting after a fireman at the gym. I imagine what I’d say to him if I ever got the chance to say anything.

“Hello. My ex sister-in-law in Iowa has advised me to toss my cats into a tree on my property in hopes of drawing your attention.”

“Hi. You’re the most attractive man I’ve ever seen in this gym, you’re so much cuter than the guy I used to go out with, and honestly I can’t think of any other man in real life who I’ve seen in the past few years who is as attractive or as sexy as you are. When I take off all my clothes at night and get into bed, I think of you the whole time, what it would be like to be naked next to you, wrapping my arms around your neck, running my fingers down your chest, letting your strong hands lift me up into whatever position feels best, our naked bodies rubbing together. Isn’t that just nuts?”

“Hi. You remind me of John McCain right after they let him out of that POW camp, but without the limp. I thought he was so handsome. I was only four back then. You must’ve been around 20, so you might actually remember all of that.”

“You remind me of a middle-aged Robert Redford before all those things started growing on his face. Did you see Legal Eagles?”

“Hi. Do I know you? The wood stove in our basement in Minnesota overheated one time when I was a kid and smoke poured all through the house and we had to call the firemen. And a couple years back I saw a dead person’s legs sticking out from under a tarp by the side of the road and the firemen were there. Also, sometimes I see fire trucks parked outside of nearby grocery stores where I shop.”

“Oh wait, my heart is beating a mile a minute, I feel hot, feverish, here, feel up my chest. Maybe I should take my pants off. Is there a fireman in the house? Oh, you’re a fireman?”

“Hi. I just thought I’d mention that everything about you that meets the naked eye makes my eye want to be naked too.”

“Hey. I know you’re married and we can only be friends, but since we don’t even know each other, I’d like to introduce myself by burying my face in your chest.”

Click here


  1. You could really go out on a limb and try something risqué like "Hi, I'm Kate." If he's as daring as firemen are supposed to be, he might reply with "Hi, I'm ---. I've been wanting to introduce myself, but you seem so unapproachable. You sure are a purdy lil thaing."

  2. Too much Kate, less is more! Hello might be a good start. Or you could burst in to flames on the treadmill, suspect that would get his attention.