Monday, January 17, 2011

Pigeon Man

In the criminal dating system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the women who investigate crimes, and the men who commit them. This is one of their stories.

Click here, then read.

I met Pigeon Man at a country music dance club. I was standing on the sidelines, watching couples twirl by, and noticed that one guy in particular kept looking my way, smiling every time he and his partner circled past. He was tall, dark and handsome, with nice white teeth. I felt sorry for the girl in his arms who was obviously having a hard time keeping Pigeon Man’s attention. I hoped that he didn’t drop her.

When the music ended, Pigeon Man steered through the crowd towards me, smiling and waving. Friendly enough, and confident too. He bought me a beer and told me he hung billboards for a living. I’d never met a billboard hanger before, and wondered briefly what I might have in common with a billboard hanger, but what the hell—a job was a job. Pigeon Man and I began to date.

One evening maybe a month later, as I sat on Pigeon Man’s couch waiting for him to get ready for our night out, he bounded into the living room. Grinning mischievously, he told me to guess what he’d done that day at work. I didn’t know, so he proceeded to relate the following: One of the worst parts of a billboard hanger’s job is to get rid of the pigeon shit left by the pigeons that roost on top of and inside the billboard. Pigeons—“rats with wings”—were a disgusting nuisance, nothing more. But there was a guy on Pigeon Man’s crew who had earned the reputation of being a pigeon coddler. Instead of spraying batches of pigeons and shit and nests directly off the billboard with hard blasts of water from a power hose, killing as many birds as possible, the pigeon coddler would spray around the pigeons, allowing them to escape unharmed, only to fly back one day and shit again.

Pigeon Man looked at me and said, “So you know what I did? To get even with this guy?”

I shook my head no.

He leaned closer to me on the couch. “I nailed one of them to the wall.”

I looked at him blankly. “A pigeon?” I said.

“Yeah,” he said, grinning. “With its wings spread out like it was flying, man.”

My brain worked to understand the concept, to conjure up the image that went along with this description. “A live pigeon?” I said.

“Uh-huh,” he said. “It wasn’t alive for long, though. I nailed him once through the mouth, too.”

I stared at him. I thought about the crucified pigeon. I imagined the disgust of the co-worker who couldn’t even bring himself to spray water at a pigeon. I saw myself sitting next to a grinning man who had impaled a live, flapping pigeon on a wall with a nail gun.

That was the end of Pigeon Man.

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  1. Sorry to all of you to posted comments and don't see them here! I got flamed on this one and in my haste to delete his *hate*, I accidentally deleted Pigeon Man.

  2. Wow, some crazy mofos out there!

  3. Jesus Christ, I hope you changed your locks after dating this guy!

  4. *OMG* I am speechless. That is horrible!

  5. Kate your introduction is inspired, love it. Pigeon man - what a nut, a lucky escape for you, how long could he have kept his sadistic tendencies secret if he tried. Poor pigeon :(

  6. You aren't kidding or you wouldn't of posted it.

    I like to hunt and Killing is a part of that, but for Food.

    Sick guy.

    Glad you aren't seeing him anymore.
    Just a Sad Man that seriously needs mental help.

    Please put on a more cheery post as soon as you can -- push this back to the rear of the line.

    How about something about "Torturing your Students"? Now that could be a fun one. LOL

    Hope your Week is Good if not Great!

    Anything at Anytime

  7. Gosh Kate, you sure can pick 'em.

  8. A pigeon coddler. Your use of language to concisely convey the entirety of moments, situations, and feelings amazes me. Thankfully, I never dated a man who would crucify a live bird. Well, wait a sec.......someone comes to mind!