Saturday, February 5, 2011

A Naked Truth

Click here, then read.

I learned something yesterday about women’s clothing. It seems that women’s pants are cut in a stack, so that the top of the stack might turn out to be a size two, and the bottom of the stack might turn out to be a size eight, while whoever is in charge of cutting the stack is aiming to create a bunch of fours. All of the pieces are then trimmed, sewn together, processed and shipped around the country...each labeled as a size four.

Any woman who wears pants knows that this scenario makes sense and probably solves the mystery of why, when we go shopping, we can’t just head straight to the fours or sixes or sixteens—whatever our size might be—pick out our pants and be done with it. Rather, if we think we’re an eight, then we have to try on all the eights in the store because any of them might fit, or none of them. This then extends to the sizes surrounding our original number: if we think we’re a ten, then we have to try on all the eights and twelves too, in all brands of course, to find the one pair that fits right. That’s why salesladies hate women: because unlike men, we can’t just go in, buy a pair of 32 waist, 34 long, and leave. We have to try on everything. And once we get that perfect pair of pants home, they don’t fit right anymore, so we have to return them. If they wouldn’t put trick mirrors in the dressing rooms, this last problem could be prevented.

But that wasn’t even the most interesting part of my day. The most interesting part occurred on campus, when a guy walked up to me with a naked woman on his t-shirt. Full frontal! He asked for directions and I gave them to him, then I couldn’t help but blurt, ““Do you go here?”

“Not yet. I’m just checkin’ out what kind of classes you got.”

Really? The young man strutted off and I happened to see two bike security guys parked on the corner, so I asked them if that was acceptable: Can students just walk around with naked women on their shirts? After some discussion, they decided it was freedom of speech and would likely be okay unless it was proven a disruption to the class.

Well…since when is public nudity not a disruption in class? Am I supposed to stand there and carry on as if nothing’s wrong when I’m staring at a pair of tits and a snatch? Would it be okay if I walked into class and stood up front with a naked penis on my shirt? Would that cause a disruption? A big erect penis with a vein running down the side? “Oh, I’m sorry Sally, did the big hairy balls on my shirt disrupt you? Were you looking at the erection on my chest instead of proofreading your paper? Well, that sounds like it’s your problem, Sally, not mine.”


  1. I've been thinking of going back to school. Where can I find your on-campus teaching schedule for next session?

  2. But if you want to wear a t-shirt with a big ole penis on it, first you'd have to try out all the penis shirts in your size. And you'd have to ask the salesperson, "Well, what size penis do you think I should get?" Besides, with all those trick mirrors you might get the wrong know what they say about mirrors: Objects in mirror may appear larger than they really are. Which could end up being a "tiny" bit disappointing. ;)

  3. Who the hell wants to look at a vagina anyhow? They really aren't that cute.

    Ask my laser tech. I'm pretty sure she didn't wanna look at mine today. I mean, I offered her a t-shirt, but she declined.

  4. Ummm..size 4, not in my lifetime. Bring out the size 12 any day.

  5. Hi Kate

    Came here to read a few of your blog posts after FINALLY reading your kind response to something I wrote in the blogger coffee shop OVER SIX MONTHS AGO. LOL

    I didn't know that the discussions area with the number in brackets beside it meant that you could keep track of when someone responded to a thread. Stupid me.

    Anyway, thanks again. It's nice to know that someone who is actually a college professor and a "real" writer wrote that she thinks I'm funny even uf you find me long-winded (not your words)

    On that last point I am definitely busted. LOL. As for this post, I picked it to leave this comment on because I found it a very funny post of the few I had time to read (its late).

    I do have to say though, I got a kick out of the one about the much older ex-boyfriend who didn't wash his hands (and in such tony accommodations to boot)! Well, take care.