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I learned something yesterday about women’s clothing. It seems that women’s pants are cut in a stack, so that the top of the stack might turn out to be a size two, and the bottom of the stack might turn out to be a size eight, while whoever is in charge of cutting the stack is aiming to create a bunch of fours. All of the pieces are then trimmed, sewn together, processed and shipped around the country...each labeled as a size four.
Any woman who wears pants knows that this scenario makes sense and probably solves the mystery of why, when we go shopping, we can’t just head straight to the fours or sixes or sixteens—whatever our size might be—pick out our pants and be done with it. Rather, if we think we’re an eight, then we have to try on all the eights in the store because any of them might fit, or none of them. This then extends to the sizes surrounding our original number: if we think we’re a ten, then we have to try on all the eights and twelves too, in all brands of course, to find the one pair that fits right. That’s why salesladies hate women: because unlike men, we can’t just go in, buy a pair of 32 waist, 34 long, and leave. We have to try on everything. And once we get that perfect pair of pants home, they don’t fit right anymore, so we have to return them. If they wouldn’t put trick mirrors in the dressing rooms, this last problem could be prevented.
But that wasn’t even the most interesting part of my day. The most interesting part occurred on campus, when a guy walked up to me with a naked woman on his t-shirt. Full frontal! He asked for directions and I gave them to him, then I couldn’t help but blurt, ““Do you go here?”
“Not yet. I’m just checkin’ out what kind of classes you got.”
Really? The young man strutted off and I happened to see two bike security guys parked on the corner, so I asked them if that was acceptable: Can students just walk around with naked women on their shirts? After some discussion, they decided it was freedom of speech and would likely be okay unless it was proven a disruption to the class.
Well…since when is public nudity not a disruption in class? Am I supposed to stand there and carry on as if nothing’s wrong when I’m staring at a pair of tits and a snatch? Would it be okay if I walked into class and stood up front with a naked penis on my shirt? Would that cause a disruption? A big erect penis with a vein running down the side? “Oh, I’m sorry Sally, did the big hairy balls on my shirt disrupt you? Were you looking at the erection on my chest instead of proofreading your paper? Well, that sounds like it’s your problem, Sally, not mine.”