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Q. Number of Persons Attending?
A. You tell me. Did you invite everybody? There were 125 of us when this all started. Obviously we’ve lost a few, but some of us have multiple personalities now. Have you taken that into consideration? Can I bring my siblings and my parents and my cousins and call this a family reunion too, like the two birds and one stone thing?
I also made a lot more friends in college and in real life than I ever made in high school. Can I bring them too? This might make up for the wedding I made them all attend in 2002. You are saving my butt!
Q. How far will you travel one way to attend the reunion?
A. Well, I will be traveling many bitter miles from South America, where I fix cleft palates on children in third world countries. I know I was never very popular in high school, but these kids really like me. Their parents give me seashells, and I trade them for cocaine. You would not believe how easy it is to get cocaine anymore.
Is that bad?
Q. How long have you been married?
A. What!?!? You didn’t hear about my fiasco of a marriage that ended with my sleazoid of a husband suing me for spousal support? My husband who took all of the money we got as wedding gifts and spent it to pay his mortgage? My husband whose child support I paid for two years because…because…because.
I am no longer married.
Q. Spouse, Boyfriend, Girlfriend (circle one)
A. I don’t understand this question. Are you asking me to circle a person I like? Believe you me, I circle people. I circle around and around, hoping that they get my vibe. Maybe this is putting people off.
Q. How many children do you have?
A. I was very fond of my ex-husband’s child, but of course he wasn’t mine. I had to let him go. Since then, I have had a cat named The Urinator who peed on all of my stuff. I had to let him go as well.
Now I have two former members of the Flying Feline Wallendas, Sara and Lucy, who I adopted from a shelter. I accept no blame for whatever bad happens to them in this house—clipped toenails, time-outs in their bedroom, store-bought treats instead of real meat treats—because they were the ones who walked towards me on tiny feet.
Now I just string marine rope between the rooms in my home and watch them perform. At night, I prostrate myself so they can cuddle into me like babies. I think they really like me.
Was that the right answer?
Q. What is your occupation/employer?
A. Well, as I have said, I do travel abroad and fix cleft palates. In my mind. I definitely donate to that cause: The Smile Train.
Actually, I just teach English at a community college in Arizona. I love it! The higher education system has progressed in the last 25 years so that now we all wear badges and swipe ourselves into classrooms, meetings, and our offices too. No more just waltzing into a room anytime you want, gads. How gauche. Also, you never know when somebody might be carrying a concealed weapon, which really makes for some heady confrontations during the workday. I mean, you never know who’s carrying and who’s not. I had an angry dad breach security and come into my classroom last semester. What a rush. I wouldn’t trade that for anything. I can’t wait to see you guys in August, if somebody doesn’t mow me down between now and then!
Remember: I am the classmate who lives in Arizona, trying to innocently circle my friends and family and students, drawing them closer. I am working hard here to promote goodness.
Save a place for me at the kegger. I would also like to reserve two spots for the Feline Wallendas, and one more for the girl who went flying through gym class with her ten-foot maxi pad sticking out of her shorts. Oh my God.
That was me too.