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1. What are your hobbies and/or how do you spend your spare time?
When I transferred to our school in the middle of ninth grade, I was heavy into debate, band, softball, and dancing. As we all know, our school had none of these activities…just keggers and sex. Wanting to fit in, I threw myself into drinking and promiscuity…what a gas! Remember the big campout we had after senior prom, when the tent I was sharing with my date lit up the night with camera flashes? I hope soft porn photos are allowed on the memory board. I also have a good shot of that little wrestler guy puking before he fell into the bonfire. Is he coming?
These days I’m more into exercise (OMG, the entire fire department works out at my gym! Yummy!) and volunteering for Arizona’s Tourism Department. Little known facts about Arizona: If you get a DUI, you also get beheaded. Our K-12 school system is so bad, when I tell my college students that Arizona ranks 50th in the nation for education, they ask, “Out of how many?” Also, if you like to shoot guns—especially at people—Arizona is the place to be.
I also enjoy playing jump-rope with my cats.
2. Fondest High School Memory
There are so many, it’s hard to pick just one. I enjoyed seeing our bitch of an English teacher slip on the ice and fall on her face that one time (I grew up to be just like her and am similarly bitchy and graceless. Payback.) I enjoyed eating peanut butter cups and candy bars for lunch in the typing teacher’s room, which provided me refuge from all the mean girls who constantly tried to beat me up. I enjoyed the fact that my father was a forest ranger and I could alert all of you when he made plans to go up in his helicopter to bust our parties in the woods.
But I would have to say my fondest high school memory is temporarily winning the heart of our town’s biggest stud—the cutest and most popular guy our town has ever produced—and thinking, for the summer of 1985, that my life was going to turn out perfectly. That summer rocked.
3. Worst High School Memory
My worst high school memory is being led behind a grocery store by that girl we called Hog Woman—you remember, the fat girl with the long red hair who wore flannels and boots every day to school—and getting bashed in the face (twice) so I fell against a car onto my knees. Hog Woman popped my lip and gave me a black eye because she heard I said that the boy I liked would never be interested in her. I went home that night and watched the final episode of MASH with an ice pack on my face.
Oh! I almost forgot! My senior year, when I went to visit my older friends at their college, somebody put drugs in my beer and I could hardly speak, let alone find my way back to their dorm room. Then that big ugly girl who we all knew was a lesbian climbed into the bunk with me and tried to rape me. Good thing I’d started lifting weights at the Y; I was strong enough to push her off me.
Um…she doesn’t live around there anymore, does she?
And do I have to mention our most popular classmate and “best looking” Hall of Famer who died in that car crash a week before graduation? Are we having a memorial for her? I hope so.
4. List 5 of your favorite musical groups (for DJ use).
Zamfir, John Tesh, Yanni, Lena Horne, and Itzhak Perlman.
5. To plan for the amounts of beverages needed at the reunion, please tell us what you would like to drink and how much.
What I would like to drink? Oh, let me see. I would like the largest bottle of cheap vodka you can get your hands on and some punch to mix it with, a case of I.C. Light, a case of citrus White Mountain wine coolers, and a beer bong so you can get it all in my belly as fast as possible.
Can I wear a sweatshirt and vomit into my hood? I just want to see if I can still do it without making a mess.
But wait wait, that’s what I would like to drink. I can’t do that anymore; my liver is hanging by a thread.
Please set up a fountain of youth for me.