For the last twenty-four hours, two current trends have occupied my mind: wearing a bra seven or eight times before washing it, and butt chugging.
Trend #1: Wearing a bra seven or eight times before washing it
I learned of this trend when NewMan and I were sitting on the couch, watching a commercial for bras. Some expert came on and said that women shouldn’t wash their bras after every wearing because that contributes to a bra’s early demise. Instead, wear it seven or eight times—I took that to mean seven or eight days in a row. I made a you-crazy face and was glad that NewMan didn’t see it from his position next to me; I’m sure it did not exactly set off my features well.
I sat there thinking, Seven or eight times!? She has got to be kidding. Who wears their bra seven or eight times in a row? That’s totally gross. I come home dripping in sweat and she’s telling me to dry my bra out and wear it again tomorrow. She can’t be from Phoenix. And what about the fact that we wear different bras for different outfits? Are we supposed to be rotating these disgusting bras so the fresher ones get worn at a slower rate than the rotten ones? Who can keep track of that? I wear a bra, I sweat, I wash that bra. I wear a bra, I don’t sweat, maybe I wear that bra one more time, maybe two, depending on occasion and length of time worn. But never would I wear a bra seven or eight days in a row. Sorry, expert lady. You’re wrong.
Then the words “replace your bra every six months” flashed on the screen. I shook my head “no” and gave the TV one of my withering you-are-so-pitifully-stupid/I-can-hardly-breathe-in-your-stench looks, and was glad that NewMan didn’t catch that one either because I know it shouldn’t even be in my repertoire. I can’t control my thoughts, but I can control my actions.
But still, it bugged me because nobody I know replaces her bra every six months. C’mon. Bras are expensive, some are like small machines, and you want me to throw mine out every six months? You think I’m gonna pay $75 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret and toss it? Do you think we would even throw out a cheap bra after six months? No! We buy bras and keep them for years, and it doesn’t matter how frayed they get, or that this one makes us look a little droopy, or that that one feels like sandpaper (but it still lifts us up nice). Bras are like limp dangly reminders of our romantic pasts pulled out of odd drawers once in awhile to reconsider, then put back. We’re not going to get rid of them.
Actually, I’ve been thinking about bras ever since I had brunch with Vivian the other day and she told me I should start wearing a bra around the house. Around the house. Can you believe that? She said it’s important to keep them supported as we get older because otherwise they’ll sag. What she said made sense, and I know all of that, but she was talking to a woman who counts “going braless” as one of the top three reasons to stay home vs. going out. I can’t be alone in this.
“Some women even wear bras to bed,” Vivian finished with, trying to raise her eyebrows. I tried to raise mine back, but for a different reason.
I was speechless.
Trend #2: Butt Chugging
(to be continued)