Twenty years ago, a boyfriend asked you if you might consider trying bestiality. When you couldn’t muster a prompt reply, he clarified by narrowing the range down to horses and dogs. When you still couldn’t say the right thing, he shushed you by placing his big paw over your face and whispering, “Don’t worry about it, baby. It’s just pillow talk.”
Once again a man you are interested in has asked you to do something you don’t want to do: go to a nudist resort where “anything goes”. This man wants to have sex in public. You start chewing on the inside of your cheek and glancing around the living room. You want to frown, but you just got Botox, so you can’t. Since you can’t easily and clearly express your negative reaction to his suggestion, he lets things slide until the next night, when he asks if you have any skin tags. You would think by now that he would know the answer himself, but of course you’ve both mainly stayed in the dark.
“No,” you say. “And if I did, I’d have them removed.”
That night you have a nightmare in which you’re at the Anything Goes Resort. You’re walking the beach and you come to a Tiki hut with mirrors hung behind the bar. You’re naked except for the fact that you are covered with a thousand splendid skin tags hanging from your neck, across your chest, and down your belly. You are a full-frontal shag carpet of skin tags, all catching the sun and casting tiny shadows on one another.
At first you’re glad for the cover, but then you think, Why am I fringe naked? Why did I agree to come here and swim in the ocean looking like this? Your partner is missing too, but you’re almost glad so that no one you know sees you.
Weeks later, that guy is history and you have to get your carpets cleaned because you have to get everything clean, including yourself. You put showering off in favor of just throwing up again, washing your face, and putting yesterday’s clothes on. You drink half a protein shake and half a glass of wine, then start moving furniture off the carpet onto the tile, or outside.
You are usually more prepared for men when they arrive, more prepared than this.